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February 2009 
When People Don’t Smile - by Todd Schaefer
Posted on Jun 30th, 2008
by 
Soulsolutionshealing.com
Soulsolutionshealing.com
Have you ever felt that you might be perceived as a crazy person if you smiled and said ‘hello' to someone you didn't know?
What about when we smile to someone and they don't return our gaze?
In most cases, it's not an insult when they don't.
I've come to learn in both my own self observations as well as through interacting with strangers that we tend to not smile when we are uncomfortable. If we're feeling good, we smile. If we're feeling angry or upset in some other way, we don't. When we go out into public, we also tend not to smile (unless you live in a utopia).
Through working with people who have very different chemistry or backgrounds, I've learned to begin connecting through the simplest form of acceptance - a smile. Even when we can't relate or find a way to understand, we can smile with others. We can use a smile (or any affirmative response) to create unification, confidence, courage, and connectivity.
Smiling is not a show of weakness. It's a sign of confidence, friendliness, approachability, and self worth, even in professional situations. The "doe in the headlights" faces tend to be uncomfortable faces. Don't be fooled by stoic, non-smiling faces, either. It often means that particular face is afraid to show itself.
A smile is profoundly valuable in unfamiliar situations, and when you might feel uncomfortable. I don't mean we should laugh nervously and uncontrollably, or smile because we're uncomfortable or show dominance. I mean offer a smile through your courage even when you don't know if you'll get a smile in return. That's a valuable smile.
You can use a smile and a "Hiya doin'?" to easily strike up a conversation. Most folks become much more comfortable with people they don't know if they can engage in some small talk.
(Surgeon General's Warning: Use small talk sparingly. Not for use in real relationship building. Discontinue use and flush thoroughly with water if irritation continues. Move on to something else once rapport is established to avoid stagnancy.) Using small talk can bridge the gap with people you aren't familiar with or with people who you might normally have nothing to say. Your mind may tell you that there's no reason to speak. Ignore it. Your smile can see beyond your mind's reach.
We're out to make friends - plain and simple - not to be afraid of people. No matter what's going on, you can always project acceptance through a smile without having to think about it, assess the situation, or guess as to whether or not you'll be accepted. We don't have to figure our way into someone else's acceptance of us, or attempt to win them over. Our smiling will naturally make people want to lower their guard and make them feel comfortable. Smiling shows that we are comfortable with ourselves.
People aren't used to finding kind and open-hearted people such as you in this world. This is so often true that many tend to be bitter, negative, and even scarred. But with great smiles comes great healing. Can you imagine the feeling of healing that a person might receive if they feel acceptance from someone else before even knowing this smiling stranger?
If we feel a genuine smile coming from a new person that we are being introduced to, or even a stranger at our gym who we regularly encounter, we feel more open around that person. We even project onto them that they are friendly, in our eyes. Even if we would have no chemistry with that person had we tried to speak with them, I can assure you that with a returned smile, they will believe there is chemistry between you.
Why is this?
Because there is always chemistry in the heart.
For the mind to lower its defenses, it requires likeness, similar interests, similar looks, similar jobs, or anything similar. But if a heart connection is made through a smile and a look in their eyes, all of those mental filters aren't needed. In fact, the mental stuff is only a way for the brain to assess whether or not ‘acceptance' is possible or a priority. The mind wants to ask the question to everyone it encounters, "Is this person like me, or like them?" A smile traverses this boundary and promotes consciousness growth by bypassing the mind's subject-object orientation. Nevertheless, when people feel that you won't attack them, they will warm up to your gentle nature.
A smile is the simplest doorway into acceptance. No need to think or analyze, just look in their eyes and shine your smile and those who are ready will smile back.
©2008 by Todd Schaefer
http://soulsolutionshealing.com/learnabouttodd.html
Headquarters Newsletter Forum Team Blog Write For Us Subscriptions
What about when we smile to someone and they don't return our gaze?
In most cases, it's not an insult when they don't.
I've come to learn in both my own self observations as well as through interacting with strangers that we tend to not smile when we are uncomfortable. If we're feeling good, we smile. If we're feeling angry or upset in some other way, we don't. When we go out into public, we also tend not to smile (unless you live in a utopia).
Through working with people who have very different chemistry or backgrounds, I've learned to begin connecting through the simplest form of acceptance - a smile. Even when we can't relate or find a way to understand, we can smile with others. We can use a smile (or any affirmative response) to create unification, confidence, courage, and connectivity.
Smiling is not a show of weakness. It's a sign of confidence, friendliness, approachability, and self worth, even in professional situations. The "doe in the headlights" faces tend to be uncomfortable faces. Don't be fooled by stoic, non-smiling faces, either. It often means that particular face is afraid to show itself.
A smile is profoundly valuable in unfamiliar situations, and when you might feel uncomfortable. I don't mean we should laugh nervously and uncontrollably, or smile because we're uncomfortable or show dominance. I mean offer a smile through your courage even when you don't know if you'll get a smile in return. That's a valuable smile.
You can use a smile and a "Hiya doin'?" to easily strike up a conversation. Most folks become much more comfortable with people they don't know if they can engage in some small talk.
(Surgeon General's Warning: Use small talk sparingly. Not for use in real relationship building. Discontinue use and flush thoroughly with water if irritation continues. Move on to something else once rapport is established to avoid stagnancy.) Using small talk can bridge the gap with people you aren't familiar with or with people who you might normally have nothing to say. Your mind may tell you that there's no reason to speak. Ignore it. Your smile can see beyond your mind's reach.
We're out to make friends - plain and simple - not to be afraid of people. No matter what's going on, you can always project acceptance through a smile without having to think about it, assess the situation, or guess as to whether or not you'll be accepted. We don't have to figure our way into someone else's acceptance of us, or attempt to win them over. Our smiling will naturally make people want to lower their guard and make them feel comfortable. Smiling shows that we are comfortable with ourselves.
People aren't used to finding kind and open-hearted people such as you in this world. This is so often true that many tend to be bitter, negative, and even scarred. But with great smiles comes great healing. Can you imagine the feeling of healing that a person might receive if they feel acceptance from someone else before even knowing this smiling stranger?
If we feel a genuine smile coming from a new person that we are being introduced to, or even a stranger at our gym who we regularly encounter, we feel more open around that person. We even project onto them that they are friendly, in our eyes. Even if we would have no chemistry with that person had we tried to speak with them, I can assure you that with a returned smile, they will believe there is chemistry between you.
Why is this?
Because there is always chemistry in the heart.
For the mind to lower its defenses, it requires likeness, similar interests, similar looks, similar jobs, or anything similar. But if a heart connection is made through a smile and a look in their eyes, all of those mental filters aren't needed. In fact, the mental stuff is only a way for the brain to assess whether or not ‘acceptance' is possible or a priority. The mind wants to ask the question to everyone it encounters, "Is this person like me, or like them?" A smile traverses this boundary and promotes consciousness growth by bypassing the mind's subject-object orientation. Nevertheless, when people feel that you won't attack them, they will warm up to your gentle nature.
A smile is the simplest doorway into acceptance. No need to think or analyze, just look in their eyes and shine your smile and those who are ready will smile back.
©2008 by Todd Schaefer
http://soulsolutionshealing.com/learnabouttodd.html
Headquarters Newsletter Forum Team Blog Write For Us Subscriptions
Access: PublicTagged with: affirmative, angry, by Todd Schaefer, confidence, courage, feeling good, self worth, uncomfortable, understand, unification
Nice article. I've also found that if you attempt to start every action with a smile, it makes the difference in the actual execution of your task. The Zen approach, simply put is: Smile, breathe and go slowly. I like this; it's really effective.
I like to smile. Probably more than anything else out there.
:D
Bless you. sherri